So it's been awhile. I've been feeling somewhat contemplative lately. I've been reading lots of blogs: adoptive mothers, new moms, people who are living far away, a sucessful author and future writing coach, teenage music dude. I realized the other day the reason why I don't watch TV (also because we don't get any channels) is because I now spend more time reading on the internet. One of the things I realized in all my blog reading is that I have blogged much the way I interact with people. I'm polite. I don't go too deep. I tend to get easily emotional. I spend most of my free time with my husband and daughter. I have envied the honesty of many other bloggers that I follow, but have felt nervous to let people in on my thoughts. Honestly there are many days in the last four months I have not posted only because I couldn't think of anything "happy" to write about. I could have written scads about how sad I felt at the time!!! So, within reason, I'm going to try posting more often about what's really going on, instead of what I think would be nice to read about.
Isabelle has been fussy again during feedings, which I find very distressing. She's also really strong and fights me, so when we're done nursing sometimes I feel as though I've just finished a wrestling match! The other thing that's going on is that it's Lent, and irritatingly so, God seems to be calling me to reconciliation with several people, and it's something that I resist in the same way my daughter fights me, when I'm trying to give her what she needs to live.
Tomorrow is a double preaching day for Ben. He's well prepared and is currently downstairs preaching at the back yard. Last night we fought during the night about whether to pick up Isabelle or let her cry, and even though she went back to sleep, I was so riled up about the whole thing, I didn't sleep anyways!! Honestly, parenting is the most confusing and confounding task, and I'm only four months in.
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7 comments:
If it's any comfort, I think your blog is the most honest and open (in terms of feelings) that I've seen. And for that reason it is already one of my favourites. And also because you guys have given us a heads up as to what to expect on the 25th and for months afterwards. So thank you for every entry.
And Ben, can't get the image of St. Francis of Assisi preaching to the birds out of my head...
Melody,
It gets better!! Looking back from year two of my sons life I would say my first six months of motherhood was not my favorite. Can I say that out loud?? It is such a time of learning on everyone's part like when you start a new job and you feel lost.This too will pass.Honestly, more mothers need to share with new mothers instead of acting like we had it all together. Thank you for your honesty.
I think you're a lot more honest and open than you realize. I feel like I get a good sense of how you're feeling when you write so you're definitely not being shallow.
I hear you on the temptation to just blog the happy, successful stuff. I find myself waiting until I've "solved" a problem before writing about it. But amazingly, it's the admissions of failure, struggle, and humanity that bring people closer. "We read to know we're not alone." This was a really brave post, and I'm cheering you on, babe.
Mel, you are awesome parents and I know you are doing a terrific job. Life( and parenting and everything else) has its good and bad points. Sure you are never sur that what you are doing is right, but follow your loving instincts and desire to nurture Isabelle and you can't go wrong. Look at how wonderfully all of our children have turned out in spite of some very shakey parenting. Keep up the excellent work. And maybe this is the time to do a bit of dialoguing with Ben to keep the communication flowing
Dad
Mel, you have a life contract on this one, but it does get easier! You are practicing saying , "No," to your daughter sometimes. It's very hard--but essential! You also are so bonded to her; you may need to give yourself permission to take distance from her feelings. She needs to be frustrated sometimes; she needs to cry sometimes. Sometimes you need to be the one to frustrate her!
You don't need to be a perfect mother, either. Actually, you need to take care of yourself, find joy in life, exercise your gifts and just let life happen.
It is Lent. You know what I gave up for Lent--complaining! Whew! That is extremely hard. Giving up chocolate would be a lot easier. And I'm realizing that giving up complaining isn't just for Lent--I think I have to give it up period.
I agree with your Dad--you are doing really well. And you can do what you need to--through Christ who gives you strength! Even the strength to resist picking up your daughter in the middle of the night, when it might be easier to feed her than to let her cry!
With lots of love and prayers, Cathy
Sharing your struggles helps me know that it's okay for me to share mine too. love. xo
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