Sand and Water

Last Saturday, Isabelle went swimming for the first time at Uncle Chris' trailer. The second picture is a classic Isabelle face.



On Tuesday, she played in the sand for the first time at Meijer Gardens with friends Jay and Colin from church. Yes, she ate some.

We've Come a Long Way Baby

Here's Isabelle at 2 days old, then at 7.5 months old. Amazingly, the girl can still wear the same outfit (although it's about to be relegated to the "too small" pile). She's simply amazing and we cherish each day with her.

Happy 4th

This weekend we decided we'd head out of town today so that we wouldn't be tempted to work on the holiday. We got up in good time and decided we'd let Isabelle have the AM nap first. We put her down, she cried for the usual 5 minutes and then silence. On a fluke, I went in to check on her about 10 minutes later and she was SITTING UP in the crib. That was a first; she hasn't pulled herself into a sitting position before. We usually have to plunk her down that way. With a little more talking to herself, she finally went to sleep, or so we think. But 20 minutes later she was again making noise, and when I peeked, she was SITTING UP again. So much for the nap. I think she was so excited about her new trick that she couldn't sleep. She's also been rocking back and forth on all fours - crawling here we come.

Back to our day. We gave up on Isabelle sleeping around 10am and packed the car. We'd planned to go to P.J. Hoffmaster State Park on Lake Michigan. We'd tried to go there two weeks ago with Karen, Sophie and Ali, but we got rained out. We then got about 5 minutes down the highway when we were hearing a loud noise like a plane. Yep, we got a flat. Ben, my hero, put the spare on and then we headed home. So much for going to the beach. After giving Isabelle a decent PM nap, we ventured out to get the tire repaired, which we were able to do in one hour while we walked around the mall. We're finishing the day with pizza and a movie since the munchkin is now in bed (with a newly lowered crib mattress to prevent more antics).

Things I was very thankful for today....you could attribute these to random circumstances, but I'm Reformed so I believe in the providence of God.

• Ben and I had just eaten 15 minutes before we got the flat tire. So had Isabelle. Those of you who are familiar with what Ben and I (and now Isabelle) can be like when we have not eaten know that this prevented us from loosing it and being in a very bad mood!
  
• We pulled over in a place that had a wide shoulder and under a bridge so we were in the shade while Ben did his magic.
  
• Ben depends on the car for his work and I was thankful that it didn't happen on a day where he would have had to cancel many appointments to get the tire fixed.
  
• The bolt on the spare tire's compartment was basically rusted on, but somehow Ben managed to reef it off.
  
• Ben did not get hit by passing traffic.
  

I'm excited to see what happens when we try for a third time to go to Hoffmaster with my parents in July. :)

Thank you - yummy!

 

May I Have Your Hand?

 

Visit from Canada

Here are a few pictures from our recent visit from my sister Alison, beloved friend Karen and Karen's baby Sophie. Sophie is 3 weeks older than Isabelle. We ate good food, went for walks, compared baby advice, went shopping, and just generally had a wonderful time. I was very sad to see them all go. There are more photos on Flickr.

Karen is my oldest friend. We grew up on the same street and we were born 3 weeks apart as well. At many times in our lives we have drifted apart geographically or to different schools, but fate always seems to draw us back together. She was always the "cool" kid growing up and I wanted so badly to be her "best friend". And here we are...she came a long way just to visit me so I'm guessing that we're pretty close. I'm very, very thankful for her friendship. 

Walk and Walk and Walk Away

It's back.

About 3 weeks ago I started noticing that I was really tired. I didn't feel like doing things I normally liked, lost interest in food, became unusually irritable and short tempered, didn't want to talk to anyone and just wanted to stay in bed. And then finally a few days ago it dawned on me - my depression is visiting me again. We were introduced almost 10 years ago, and thankfully it's not been around much during the past year.

But this time I'm trying my very hardest not to let it stay, not to invite it in for pizza and a movie and a box of chocolates. This morning when I would have liked to yank the covers over my head, I did my walking video. Exercise seems to be the biggest blues zapper that I have in my weapons cabinet. "Walk away the blues; walk away the stress..." says Leslie Sansone. Often the problem for me is that I can't hold onto the desire to feel better - it's a genuine wrestling match. And if I don't want to feel better than there is nothing motivating me to do anything about it.

So hear this, bleakness and darkest blues, you can't beat me! I can't stand the thought of my daughter saying "What's wrong, Mama? Are you sad again?" I'm going to walk and walk and walk away from you this time. Just try and catch me.

The Summer Ensemble

I can't resist posting more photos of Isabelle wearing items from her summer wardrobe, but there's a lot, so I've decided to get Flickr working for me again so I don't post 1000 photos of her on the blog. :) She has started reaching for lots of stuff and now it includes the camera, so every time it's out, she's reaching towards it (yet another challenge to photographing a baby).

Happy Anniversary

Today is my mom and dad's 35th wedding anniversary. As a kid, I remember always wondering what to get them as a present for this occasion. One year when I was under 10 I scoured garage sales and came up with a dried flower arrangement that was under glass. I'm sure my mom thought it was very ugly, but it stayed in a prominent place on our china cabinet for a long time. This to say that I've never been very good at expressing how I feel about their love for each other.

I've been blessed with two of the most special people on earth for parents. Here are some things I love most about them as a couple.

• They love to spend Mondays together.
  
• They read books about building their relationship and making it stronger.
  
• They pray together.
  
• They give to others together, by offering gifts and using their home for hospitality.
  
• They continue to desire a great relationship, instead of settling for an "okay" one.
• They are full of pride for their children and delight in our successes.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. Thanks for being so committed to each other.

Going Home

This is outside the duty free shop in Sarnia - a last stop before we enter the good old U.S.A. As I said in an earlier post, we made an unexpected excursion to Ontario over the Victoria Day weekend to attend and participate in my Uncle Gord's funeral. Uncle Gord was like a grandfather to me, except younger, so in all senses, he was what he was - a great uncle. He was silly and funny, never spoke a cross word, knew what kinds of things kids liked to do, had a fun backyard and lots of Archie comic books in the basement. We took Isabelle to meet Uncle Gord in early March. I cried leaving his house that night, knowing that it would probably be the last time we saw him (he bravely fought cancer for the last several years). He showed Isabelle a stuffed robin, and taught her what it's call was. Now whenever I see a robin, I think of Uncle Gord.

Bumper Jumper

The Bumper Jumper - one of Isabelle's favorite places. She spends many happy hours in this thing, with her sheepskin rug (thank you Auntie Bear) under her little bare feet to keep them warm on the laminate floor.

6 Months

After some pressure from readers (no names will be mentioned), I'm posting some new pictures of Isabelle. She's 6 months today. What is she doing these days? Rolling over both ways, grabbing everything in sight, eating cereal (starting veggies this week), laughing when Ben acts silly, beginning to get up on all fours (we bought a gate this weekend), making razzing sounds.

Isabelle has benefitted from having many friends with beautiful clothes that they have outgrown and here she sports a dress from dear friends Jackie and Tasha. She also has several items from her 2nd cousins Shelby and Hope. When she wears these clothes, I feel like her friends are near, and that feels good!

It's getting harder and harder to get a good picture of her. Some part of her body is always moving, or else she's cross or distracted. This picture was taken on Grandma and Grandpa's couch on our recent weekend visit to Ontario for a family funeral.

I Quit

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with wanting to quit my job. Not just the job I have now, but every job. It started in grade 7 with the days of working for Mar-Leigh Farm. I hated being dirty and having unpredictable hours. If only I could work inside.

Next was the Esso service station in high school, where I had to share a shift with a guy who dipped into the till, and my pay got docked for it. I also had to work 3-10pm on school nights and sometimes Sundays when my family was home playing games in front of a fire. It was partially inside, if you count when I had to run the credit cards through and clean the washrooms. If only I could work in my field.

Then came university when I taught at a music studio where the owner and I had very different marketing and teaching philosophies. If only I could get a job with steady daytime hours where I was the boss.

Are you starting to see a trend here?

Then I worked for my dad and there I hated being the boss' daughter and working with too many females (although the money was good, and I got to wear clean clothes to work!). I subsequently worked for two other dentists who drove me crazy because they were nothing like my dad! If only I could avoid working with complicated personalities.

At my first paid church job, I hated having to work weekends. At the bank I hated the politics, pressure and managing people. If only I could work inside, in my field, part-time, for decent pay with a mixed gender staff in a place where I can drive to work with free parking.

Hey, that's what I do now. And guess what? All I've done for the last three years is think about quitting. I'm not a leader. I don't have enough experience. I have a different philosophy regarding the role of music in worship than the rest of the church. I don't know how to handle difficult conversations. I need more hours to do what they are asking. Blah, blah, blah.

I think I'm finally getting it. It's not the job that needs to change. It's me. I'm afraid of people. That's actually the number one reason I get depressed and want to quit my job. I don't know how to say what I think and enforce it. I'm afraid of people. I fear their rejection. I fear their disapproval. I'm afraid of people. But God is asking me to be strong and full of courage. To not quit, but to change, and keep on changing. To continue to face criticism and disapproval, disappointment and discouragement, and to be of good cheer because He's with me.

So for now, I'm still working.

Isabelle's Birth: Part IV

At 6pm Mom and Ali arrive exclaiming “Is there a baby?” You have to picture, I’m lying in the bed and there’s no one or nothing in sight. “Yes!” According to Ali, I followed that up with “She’s a girl and her name is Isabelle Jane. Isabelle spelled I-S-A-B-E-L-L-E.” I made Mom and Ali wait until Ben came back from the nursery with Isabelle to see her which was probably torturous for them, but I couldn’t stand to miss the moment of them seeing her. For more on Mom and Ali's story, see Alison's posts on knitting the family blanket. Lisa, Chris, Christy and Dane arrived shortly thereafter so we all waited for Ben to return from the nursery. Then as I ate my mac and cheese, I told the birth story to an attentive room. Everyone took turns holding Isabelle.

That day is burned into my mind like a scene from an accident or something traumatic, except it was nothing like that - just excitement and amazement. Ben stayed with me in the hospital and slept on a cot. He was a great coach. After two nights in the hospital, we headed home to start life as three. And the rest is history...

Isabelle's Birth: Part III

After more checks to see how I was doing, I was asked to start pushing around 2:15pm. We had a great nurse (Lynn) that helped me through it. This was the most difficult part. Isabelle seemed to be stuck on my bone and so I was pushing for 90 minutes. Close to the end they kept saying, “One more. One more” and after awhile I didn’t believe them! I was starting to feel hopeless like there was no way the baby was going to get out. And then I saw a flurry of activity in the overhead mirror and thought to myself, “Why are they rushing? The baby is NOT coming.” And then I could feel the baby sliding down and out. I couldn’t even watch because I was so exhausted and trying to focus.

3:45pm - “It’s a girl!” they cry in chorus. “Are you sure?” I asked which was followed by laughter. Then they placed our baby girl on my chest and I looked into her bright eyes. She was still and quiet and beautiful. Those first few moments were amazing, and even now I can see that face whenever I look at her.

After all the cleaning and weighing, they wrapped her up and put her back on my chest, and everyone left the room for about an hour. It was wonderful. We just stared at her and listened to her noises, and tried to decide on a name.

After that wonderful time was up, Ben took Isabelle Jane (newly named) to the nursery for her bath. I ordered dinner (my first food since the night before) and was anxiously awaiting Mom and Ali’s arrival. I had macaroni and cheese, chocolate pudding and juice.

Final installment tomorrow.

Isabelle's Birth: Part II

I remember feeling nervous that they were going to send me home because I wasn’t far enough along, but when the nurse examined me, she called the doctor to come in for a second opinion. In a few minutes, I learned that she did that because she couldn’t believe I was as far along as I was (6-7cm) and had been at home all that time! She said “It won’t be long. You better decide quick if you want the epidural.” I had wanted to try it without, but the contractions were getting really intense and I was starting to feel scared so we decided together to get the epidural. Good thing, because by the time it came (11:00am) I really wanted it!! Ben (as my coach) was allowed to order room service until the baby came, at which point the food was for me! So after we got settled he ordered an enormous amount of food (eggs, bacon, french toast, fruit) and ate it all! And all I could have was ice chips. But that was all I wanted so it was okay.

I love the epidural doctor!

Once the epidural was in I couldn’t feel anything, and Ben and I were both really sleepy from being up all night. My nurse tucked me in, and Ben got comfy in some chairs, and we both had a 2 hour nap. The sun was shining, which is rare for Michigan, so it felt like God’s presence was just radiating into the room. We listened to Van Morrison and James Taylor on our little CD player and dozed in the bright sunshine. Not too many people get such a nice nap in the middle of labour so it was an incredible gift.

Isabelle's Birth: Part I

So here's the first installment in Isabelle's birth story. It doesn't sound as exciting when you write it down. How can you translate into words all that we felt? It's impossible.

My doctor had told me three weeks before my due date that I would most likely be “early”. Those three weeks were long. The last Sunday before Isabelle was born (Nov 20), I sang and played a solo during a baptism, which I was really glad not to miss. After that, I was ready for the baby to come anytime. Thursday was Thanksgiving Day. We went to church in the morning and then had a dinner with friends around 4pm. That night I felt crampy, but no specific contractions. The next day (Friday the 25th), I felt sort of like I had the flu or a bad period. I basically laid in bed all day and watched movies and slept. I watched “Robots”, which ironically opens with a birth! That night my mom encouraged us to go for a walk so we walked to Breton Village around 6pm in the snow. We had friends over that evening for pie and we ended up re-watching “Robots”. During the movie I started having contractions, but they weren’t too regular, and I didn’t say anything in case it wasn’t the real thing. After dessert we stayed up awhile talking and it was then that the contractions started getting more painful. By the time our company left at 11pm, I was convinced that things were moving along. Ben had discussed going for a run the next morning with one of our guests, and I said “Oh, I don’t think you’ll be going.”

We bedded down for the night at 11:30pm with pen, notebook and stopwatch on the night stand. I ended up waking up Ben for most of the contractions, which were 7-10 minutes apart all night long. He would startle awake and write down the time, but he was usually asleep before the contraction was over!! Finally at about 5:30am I threw up, and then said, “It’s time to go.” So we called our parents just prior to 6am and started to get ready to go. Ben washed the dishes and packed the car and we left around 6:30am. Even though it was only a 2 minute drive to the hospital, I remember dreading getting into the Civic. Ben and I brought WAY TOO much stuff to the hospital.

Stay tuned.

Grandma

Well, I didn't get to the birth story yesterday as I intended. The internet was down all day, and it just turned out to be a hectic week. Whew! For those of you watching Belle's "Trixie Tracker" site, you'll notice she's been waking in the night again, and it's catching up with me. I chose sleep today over cleaning, work and blogging. So, it's coming. Here's a picture of my mom with Isabelle on her weekend visit. One of the highlights was feeding Isabelle rice cereal for the first time. She's doing okay with it, except that every time we feed her it takes about 10-12 spoonfuls for her to remember what she's doing. It seems like she's never seen the stuff before EACH time we feed her!

On a "me" note, I've been working on being less anxious about stuff. Whenever my mom visits, she always comments about how I worry too much, and I've really been working hard to let stuff go. I'm afraid of not doing things well or properly, or of making other people upset a lot, and it's really affected my adult life. Already this week I've had some triumphs over it...so I'll press on.

New Hangouts

High Chair

Dad's Arm

Doorway Jumper

It's been awhile. I was all charged up about writing again after my last post, but it was one of those months where I just had to get through this thing, and then that event, and then this piece of work, etc. So now I am post-Easter, post-family visit, etc. Except I'm throwing a baby shower this weekend.

Tomorrow is Isabelle's 5 month birthday, and I was inspired to write down her birth story by my friend Karen (who posted her daughter's birth story at 5 months). Stay tuned for that. This past weekend my mom and older sister Alison came for the weekend. Alison attended the Festival of Faith and Writing at Calvin College, while Mom hung out with Isabelle and helped me with several projects (including updating my wardrobe). A true mom is one who not only helps you pick out new clothes to buy, but alters them for you before she leaves. Thanks, Mom.

Ben preached a zinger of a sermon on Sunday that was part of a series on Christians being the bravest people on earth (basically because they are not afraid of death). It used several examples from our life, and one of the main points was about God asking us to take risks and not always taking the safe path. One of the examples he used was us coming to seminary, both Tyndale and Calvin. As much as I still believe that this is the place where we are called to be right now, when my mom was leaving on Monday morning, I still sob like I'm a prisoner here! Sometimes it's hard to be brave.

Honestly

So it's been awhile. I've been feeling somewhat contemplative lately. I've been reading lots of blogs: adoptive mothers, new moms, people who are living far away, a sucessful author and future writing coach, teenage music dude. I realized the other day the reason why I don't watch TV (also because we don't get any channels) is because I now spend more time reading on the internet. One of the things I realized in all my blog reading is that I have blogged much the way I interact with people. I'm polite. I don't go too deep. I tend to get easily emotional. I spend most of my free time with my husband and daughter. I have envied the honesty of many other bloggers that I follow, but have felt nervous to let people in on my thoughts. Honestly there are many days in the last four months I have not posted only because I couldn't think of anything "happy" to write about. I could have written scads about how sad I felt at the time!!! So, within reason, I'm going to try posting more often about what's really going on, instead of what I think would be nice to read about.

Isabelle has been fussy again during feedings, which I find very distressing. She's also really strong and fights me, so when we're done nursing sometimes I feel as though I've just finished a wrestling match! The other thing that's going on is that it's Lent, and irritatingly so, God seems to be calling me to reconciliation with several people, and it's something that I resist in the same way my daughter fights me, when I'm trying to give her what she needs to live.

Tomorrow is a double preaching day for Ben. He's well prepared and is currently downstairs preaching at the back yard. Last night we fought during the night about whether to pick up Isabelle or let her cry, and even though she went back to sleep, I was so riled up about the whole thing, I didn't sleep anyways!! Honestly, parenting is the most confusing and confounding task, and I'm only four months in.